The Lies that Define Us
by LMSharp
Summary: There may have been a time, once, when Merlin could have been honest with Arthur. But that time is long since gone and past. Merlin's lies, his guilt, and his masks are all too much a part of him now. A look into Merlin's head post-s4. References to events throughout the run, spoilers.


**Disclaimer: Yes, yes, consider the characters dis-claimed. I'm certainly not getting rich off this.**

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Merlin doesn't know when lying to Arthur became matter-of-course. He's not certain when it stopped hurting him, or sure when the incompetent, idiot mask became his public face. Merlin doesn't know, but sometime, the double existence he leads (triple if you count Emrys) stopped being a hardship and became a comfort to him.

There may have been a time, he thinks, when he could have been honest with Arthur. For maybe two months, before Idirsholas, perhaps, he could have told Arthur who he was and things would have been alright. Merlin doesn't delude himself: it would have put the two of them under considerable strain. There would have anger, there would have been shouting. It would have been hard, but things would have been alright. Merlin would be still be alive and serving Arthur, and things might have been considerably easier for him than they are now.

But Merlin's secrets have piled up since Idirsholas. He's not just Arthur's trusted manservant anymore, a funny sort of idiot that Arthur's saved a couple times and has gotten Arthur out of a few scrapes in return. Merlin and Arthur have been through hell together and more than once. More specifically, _Arthur_ has been through hell. The king of Camelot has been betrayed and betrayed again, and Merlin isn't sure how much of the pain that Arthur has gone through is down to his mistakes. The king calls Merlin his best and oldest friend, the one person in all Camelot who is always there, whom he can always trust. But Merlin has kept ten times as much from Arthur as he has told him: much of it things Arthur should have known.

There is so much blood on Merlin's hands, so much wrongdoing heaped at his feet and piled on his head. Sure, he didn't set out to do _any_ of the terrible things he has done. Still, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say. Merlin figures he ought to know. He has done quite a lot of paving in the years he has spent in Camelot. Setting Kilgharrah free. Poisoning Morgana, and then letting Morgause take her away. Healing Morgana again when he knew she was up to no good. And the list goes on…

No. There may have been a time, once, when Merlin might have been able to tell Arthur who he was. But that time is long since gone and past.

Merlin's lies are more protection for him than they ever were before, but he is still lonely. It seems worse than ever now. Lancelot is truly gone, and Arthur and Guinevere are married, and while he doesn't begrudge them their happiness in the least, neither of them want or need Merlin like they once did. Gaius is still around, of course, despite it all. He still knows everything. He always has known everything. But Merlin is perfectly aware that Gaius doesn't- cannot- understand. He's relatively certain that no one can. Still, it's not so bad.

The loneliness has seeped into Merlin's bones by now: it's a part of him. In a glade in a forest by the mountains and across a lake, more than one part of Merlin has passed on to wait for him. The wind whistles sometimes through the holes the dead have left in Merlin's heart, but the pain has faded to a dull ache, and without it Merlin isn't sure who he would be.

He continues on. He keeps up appearances. He is oh-so-very-good at lying nowadays, he thinks. Deception had been so foreign, so difficult once. Now Merlin's lies are second nature, a cloak he wears to hide the darkness and guilt he carries with him from the world.

He hopes that he will be able to bring his great destiny about without ever leaving his place in the shadows now. That he will never have to step forth and confront Morgana (he knows she'll be back) magic-to-magic and feel the added sting of seeing fear and anger join with the hatred that tortures him every time he sees his one-time friend's face. He prays that he will never see betrayal and anguish draw new lines of sorrow across Arthur's brow. He would give anything to never have to watch his friends and loved ones turn away from him in suspicion, hurt, and confusion.

Perhaps one day Merlin will be able to guide Arthur towards freeing magic and a brave new world without revealing himself (after all, Arthur is already changing policy towards the druids). At this point, Merlin fears a revelation would do Arthur and Albion more harm than good. He's not sure Arthur could take it. More, he's not sure that he could.

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**A/N: Because far be it from me to write a Merlin story with an actual plot. Please leave a little note to tell me what you think. If it's honest criticism, it makes me better. If it's honest praise, it makes my day. **

**God Bless,**

**LMSharp**


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